Page updated: 07/27/2001 07:13 PM

Well, I can't think of anything to gripe about this month for the column. So, I'll reminisce about a few of my failings in the rollover dept. Maybe you people will get something out of it and maybe ya won't! In any case-----

So my first roll was in my CJ-5. I had just gotten my first Detroit locker installed and had never experienced what it could do. Hicks Muffler did the job in Downey and I drove it home to San Diego but it was all freeway so I didn't really get the gist of what it was all about. One day I just had to find out. Was going to go to the lumber co. to get a bid for an apartment I was building. Saw a dirt road heading off into some huge fields and just couldn't resist. Now I was technically working but hey! The chillens comes out in me once in a while so what the heck, I took the turn off! Well I was experiencing traction like I'd never seen before. Started racing bikes up the hills (adobe with excellent traction) in 2 wheel drive. I was kicking their butt's too! Finally I looked in the crust infested cooler always stuck between the seat and found about 5 beers. Had to scrape the crusty growth off them and they were real hot but, what the hell! it was beer right! Swilled them all down in about an hour and decided it as time to go back to work. As I was heading down a dirt path I knew I was about a mile from the freeway so I hooked up my lap belt. heh heh! For some unknown reason I had not been wearing it previously. Just as I got it hooked up I crest a long climb and see a Voltzwagon lose a wheel coming around a corner over about 30 yd's from me in the opposite direction. At the same time I see a small access road and do a quick turn to see if I can help him out. All of the sudden I see before me a huge wash out that used to be the road. Now ordinarily, being used to being open I could have swung the ass end around and off the path and recovered quite nicely. But the rear end had other ideas and the terra firma had adobe dry with super traction. The rear end slipped over the edge as predicted and the front tires were still on the road. I figured it would either stick right there or shoot back up onto the road in which case I would be able to at the very least winch out of it. Well, That new Detroit shot the jeep straight up into the air like a frieken rocket. I went way past the rear end and came down on the spare. Did a 360 and sort of tossed me out over this huge "V" about 15 ft down. I lost all equilibrium and had no clue what was going on. Just kept all the important appendages inside best I could. It was upside down at this point and heading right into the "V". When it landed I was sort of still befuddled as to what happen. heh heh! I had a container for jeep goods under the rear seat that would latch down but wasn't. It came down, or should I say up and landed on the best top. The cooler fell straight down and blocked my exit from the passenger side. There was shear dirt wall on both side anyway. It appeared as though I was trapped. When my senses returned I was hanging upside down and there was oil all over the top which was at this time the bottom. The first thing I did was turn all the power off so it wouldn't blow up. Then like an idiot I reached up and knocked the belt loose. This of course dropped me right smack dab into the oil on my head. I've since learned to place my free arm out to hold me from doing such a dastardly thing. heh heh! I ain't no dummard ya know! Anyway, by this time I'm becoming a little chlosterfobic and wanting out of that thing meuy pronto! So with one great swoop of my right arm the cooler goes into the back seat and the seat which is hooked to the jeeps bed swings up and out of the way along with it. I see the escape route and wiggle outta there like a stripped assed ape. 

So, I'm standing there looking it over. My brand new exhaust is straight up! The guy I was going to help walks up and asks if I'm all right. I'm a bit dazed but manage a yeah why! hahaha! He say's man that was the most spectacular roll I've ever seen. I said, well ya should have seen it from my end! he was amazed, I was amazed!! Anyway after looking it over I just don't see any way to extract it without an off road tow truck. Not being the slick old devil I am now it seemed the only way and I knew it was gonna be an insurance claim so what the heck! Yeah an insurance claim. Screw them guys!

There wasn't any such thing as a cell phone back then. so I help the guy in the wagon fix his dilemma and he gives me a ride to a phone. I call all my buddies who think I'm yanking their collective chains. Finally, I convince them I'm like wedged in and to get a tow truck and come get me. They do but I'm way back off the road and by this time it's dark. I can still use the CB and am talking them back there. I light a big fire and stick the flash lie up into what's hurriedly becoming a foggy night. Oh geez! all I needed. One of them had been in there and went back out to show the tow truck how to et in. It became obvious after a few hours that they were totally lost. Since it was a bit foggy the flashlight was beaming up there pretty good though and eventually they spotted me. Good thing to because I was getting scared of the dark out there all by my lonesome self. Hey! There's critters out there ya know! Man eaters even. I seen em!!

Well, the dorks finally get the truck down to where he can grab onto me. Actually if it had been today I could have easily extracted the jeep with not to much damage. But, tow truck drivers ain't the smartest thing to come along is chapaqidic and the Kennedy fiasco. He say's well, )cigar shooting out of his whiskers) only way we can extract that baby is to yank it out sideways. Me, figuring he knew what the heck he was talking about say's well lets get it on then! Only problem is he has it hooked up on the frame and is yanking it out over a huge tree bush type plant and over a 15" embankment. Well, he just yanks it out of there doing way more damage than it originally had because of the roll through the sky and all. what's a feller to do right! It danged near totaled the jeep. I drove it home anyway. Windshield a flapping to beat the band. I all of the sudden saw something funny in it and was laughing my ass off all the way home. Criminy! What a nut huh! Anyway, it bent the frame took the roll cage out 3" and practically destroyed all the body parts. It was like brand new when I got it back from the body and frame shot however. 

Just one of those things I guess! New equipment can get your ass in a crack real quick if you aren't used to it. Sort of falls in the category of learn the equipment before venturing out on something your not mentally equipped to handle. I try all new equipment out now on favored roads until I know what it does. Nothing like getting straight up on a rock pile and not knowing exactly whets up with your new stuff. heh heh! 

Well, I've rolled a few more times but it looks like I used up all my sandwich or banstich or whatever it is Al whimpers about. so, I'll just have to save some of those adventures for another time. It's amazing how the spell checker don't pick up my southern CA lingo sometimes, so I guess you'll just have to figure it out as you go if you read it at all. See ya on the trails!!

Bud